QUESTION: I am concerned about my five
year old son. Last week our dog was ran over by a truck and killed.
My son and his friend were playing nearby and witnessed the whole
thing. All of the children were crying except my son who just stood
there looking shocked. Later when I brought the subject up to him
his reply was, "I didn't even cry." I told him that it was okay to
cry and it is normal to feel sad. He has shown no signs of grief over
the incident. He told me that he would have liked to see our dog after
she died. Is this a normal reaction for a five year old?
ANSWER: Children identify with their
pets. Losing the family dog is usually a traumatic event for a child.
It can be akin to losing a best friend. But witnessing sudden, unexpected
death of a loved family member is truly psychologically overwhelming
for anyone, particularly a young child who has less developed psychological
defenses.
Your son's psychological numbness is a protective
mechanism. The incident was indeed a shocking one for him and he has
not yet recovered from the suddenness and magnitude of this loss.
Yet, he is observing his own responses ("I didn't even cry"), which
shows that he is processing the event. His desire to see his pet in
death is a natural part of coping with the reality that she is no
longer an active part of his life.
Death poses the dilemma of abstract thinking about
the unknown for all of us. Five year olds have not yet mastered abstract
thinking, let alone contemplated the mystery that is life. Making
the abrupt loss of Brandy into a longer concrete process can help
a 5 year old adjust to the death of a loved pet.
Perhaps, in his own way, your son is suggesting a
funeral for Brandy. Funerals are rituals to help the living adjust
to loss. Especially in your son's case, as there was no warning, only
sudden, irreversible change. Wanting to view the dog is an attempt
on his part to make it real. Consider a "pet funeral" and use pictures
of the dog to help him say "goodbye." Planting flowers or some other
marker in honor of your dog's life may help your son find a "place"
for the dog he loved, and resolve the separation.
You are doing a great job! Continue to remain open
and responsive to his adjustment. The fact that he is talking to you
about it means he trusts you with these feelings. Psychological "shock"
is a protective state, akin to being "frozen" in the moment. Your
son, however is finding words to express himself. This is a sign of
thawing. In time he will place her in the past and he will be able
to miss her.
Do not be surprised if his feelings melt into tears,
triggered by a pet funeral, or some other event in the future. But
do not push his grief process. When he is ready, he will cry.
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