QUESTION: My ex-husband and I do not get
along at all. He absolutely refuses to speak to me and he says things
like "we're living off my sweat" in front of the kids. My husband
and I try not to say anything negative in front of our kids, but they
can see what's happening. How can I get my ex to understand that refusing
to speak to me since the divorce and being cruel hurts no one but
the children?
ANSWER: The remarriage of an ex-spouse
is a predictable stressor in the aftermath of divorce. It is a clear
and undeniable marker to your ex-husband that you have moved on. Any
fantasy of reconciliation is quashed. This event often resurfaces
old grief about the loss of the family unit and ushers in a renewed
period of mourning, but this is no excuse for putting children in
the middle of your conflict.
You have enjoyed a relatively smooth adjustment to
initial separation and divorce, judged by your ex-husband's willingness
to exceed the granted amount of child support. Clearly he is feeling
hurt and possibly left out as he imagines his family going on without
him. Perhaps he fears that he will be replaced by a new father figure
or in some way lose the relationship he now has with his children.
Though these thoughts and imaginings can be quite painful to him,
his inability to contain his feelings can result in actions which
can be harmful to his children.
Do not expect your husband to "do" or "give" more
than is required right now. Encourage his contact with his children
and support their relationship to their biological father as inviolate.
In other words, make it clear through your words and actions that
your children's father is not being replaced in any way by their stepfather.
You may be adding to the tension in your interactions by overreacting
to your ex-spouse's withdrawal from doing extra. Examine your own
expectations, and adjust them accordingly.
Since you have enjoyed a more cooperative relationship
in the past, it is likely that your ex-spouse will adjust to your
remarriage and equanimity will return to your relationship. In the
meantime, consider writing your ex-husband a letter about the changes
you have noticed and your concern for the effects his behavior might
be having on the children. But be cautious in your tone. Express appreciation
for his past generosity and sadness that this has changed. Do not
blame him or express anger that he is not as forthcoming in his generosity
as in the past. Instead, focus on keeping your children out of the
path of his anger and resentment. Ask him to refrain from commenting
on child support to the children. Express that you know it must be
difficult for him but that it is critical to act in the best interests
of the children in keeping them safe from feeling to "blame" for their
emotional or financial needs.
Acknowledge to your ex spouse that the children will
be experiencing alot of adjustments to your remarriage and that you
want to assure him that you see his relationship to his children as
important and unchanged. Let him know that you want to do everything
you can to stabilize their lives during this transition. Recognize
that your remarriage will necessitate adjustments for the children
and you need his help to remain as emotionally consistent as possible
in their lives. Recognize his importance to them. In this context,
bring up your concern that they could get caught up in negative emotional
reactions that could arise between the two of you, since you have
remarried.
Reinforce your intent to maintain the quality of your
parenting relationship with your ex spouse. If you feel comfortable
doing so, invite him to discuss (with you and/ or a mediator), concerns
he might have about this transition. Maintain your boundaries around
your life and your remarriage, but respect his feelings and reach
beyond your resentment to show your good will and intent related to
parenting issues.
Research repeatedly concludes that your best insurance
in assisting your children through divorce is to keep them out of
the middle of your conflicts. Likewise, the greatest predictor of
maladjustment in children following divorce occurs when they are frequent
victims of a parent's anger at his or her ex-spouse.
Your remarriage is a new phase which precipitates
change in family relationships and a resurgence of the past. You have
every right to move on in your life. But be careful that you do not
fuel the problem by responding to your ex's anger in like kind. Refrain
from getting embroiled in these anger games. Take the high ground.
Work to separate your emotional response to your ex's reaction to
your remarriage from your children's welfare. Seek solutions, not
retaliations. Accept the challenge to be the voice of reason
rather than reaction in getting your parenting relationship back on
track. If you succeed, your children will benefit!
