QUESTION: I am a single parent with
a three-year-old daughter. I left her father when she was six-months-old.
She doesn't remember any life other than just the two of us. Up until
this point I haven't been dating anyone so she had all of my attention.
I am now seeing someone and she is not too happy about it. How do
I reassure her that I still love her while not letting her run my
life?
ANSWER: It is natural for your daughter
to react to your new love life since she has never had to share your
attention with anyone else. Still, you are right to want to assure
her that your new friend is not competing for her own very special
place in your heart!
Your sense of a balance between reassurance and maintaining
limits is a sound approach. Let her know that you will be spending
special time with her and that this time between you will be saved
just for her. Point out to her that you will have your own activities
together, but that moms need adult love and friendship, too. Compare
it to her playmates and point out to her that she also has "special"
friends, and that you are happy for her to have these important people
in her life. Make the point that having special playmates does not
change the love between you.
Do not expect her to instantly "warm-up" to your new
adult friend. Keep your activities separate, until you are clear that
you want to involve him in your family life. If this occurs, take
it slow and continue to preserve special mother-daughter time and
activities.
Keep in mind that your daughter's self-expression
at this change is also a sign that you have been doing a wonderful
job parenting this little girl. She feels secure enough to express
herself, which is a natural part of the process of adapting to change.
She will eventually learn that mothers have needs, too. Her behavior
will no doubt settle down as she experiences your consistency towards
her in both love and discipline.
Be patient. In time, your child will learn that your
new adult friend will in no way replace her. A new clarity about the
definition of your mother-daughter relationship will evolve from this
situation. This event presents an opportunity for her to let go of
any fantasy that she must fulfill your adult needs in order to sustain
your love. The result will be a greater sense of security about her
rightful place in your life.
Once your daughter understands that you are taking
care of your own "loneliness" she may even feel relieved that you
are doing so. Maintain your commitment to meeting your needs and not
allowing your daughter to "run" your life. A potential pitfall for
single parents is making children your "friends" instead of developing
your own independent adult relationships.
Meeting your own needs is in your daughter's best
interest. Without fulfillment of your needs for adult intimacy, the
nature of your mother- daughter relationship could become more of
a "bind", than a very special bond!
