QUESTION: My husband and I always have
had our disagreements, but we were able to forgive each other and
make up when we had a fight. Since our baby was born, four months
ago, we can't say a word to each other without an argument. I feel
very sad because of his lack of support and understanding. As a result,
I am becoming very attached to the baby and moving farther apart from
him. He doesn't want to go and talk with a therapist. We are thinking
about separating.
ANSWER: Becoming parents together is
one of the greatest transitions of marriage. Increased demands for
nurturing a newborn can only cement family relationships when a couple
can channel their energy to meet the new challenges. Unfortunately,
if couples are not able to negotiate the changes required by this
stage, their relationship can deteriorate quite rapidly.
The birth of a baby is also the birth of a new definition
of family. You must redefine your relationship to include the very
meaningful roles of mother and father to your newborn. You are clearly
attached to your baby, but is your husband bonding to his child? Has
he spent any time caring for her without your presence? Does he feel
that he influences the growth and development of his daughter? Does
he feel empowered in his role as a new father, or alienated?
Two crucial developments could serve to save your
marriage. First, build a communication bridge between you. Take long
walks with the baby, perhaps while she naps in a stroller. Or, after
she goes to sleep at night, begin getting reacquainted with one another.
Start by sharing feelings about the changes in your life that have
evolved since the baby arrived. Be sure to make room for "negative"
feelings that either of you may have, but are afraid to express.
For example, your husband may be feeling resentful
toward his daughter because of the amount of attention you give her.
This is a common reaction for fathers, especially if their own childhood
experience was somewhat painful or neglectful. Just witnessing, or
experiencing, the love between mother and daughter can bring up primal
feelings about our past relationships with our own parents. If your
husband feels on the "outside" of this circle of love, he could be
experiencing profound alienation.
You, too, may find yourself completely immersed in
the mothering experience. If your own parents did not maintain a connection
to one another in your childhood, you could be neglecting your own
marriage as well. These are common pitfalls of this stage of family
development.
But this is no reason to run away from the problem!
It will only get better by facing it, and forming an alliance to move
beyond such pain -- toward a new definition of family.
Secondly, invite your husband to increase his participation
in the direct physical care of your daughter. Encourage him toward
finding the emotional meaning in parenting that you have developed.
Joining a support group for new dads can help him find his place in
the family. I suggest that you both do the couples exercises outlined
in the articles to help you develop your shared vision for family.
Invite your husband to be a partner in creating the family you want
to be, rather than aborting it in midstream.
