QUESTION: My husband and I aren't
communicating effectively. Small things get blown in to big things
because my husband doesn't address things when they are a problem.
He waits till they are long past, and adds them with everything else
that may has bothered him since the last argument. This makes for
an unfair playing field. We may be arguing (disagreeing) about our
plans for the weekend, then he brings up all of these other petty
things---thus making him feel he should get his way. It also seems
to happen when he's done something that upsets me, and unfairly brings
up everything I've done instead of dealing with the issue at hand.
I've insisted we get help since we've only been
married for 5 years (and have a 2 1/2 year old & 12 wk old) but he
thinks we can work out our communications problem, he doesn't want
anyone else knowing we have any problems. Since this isn't presently
a problem that is finishing our marriage, I still am concerned that
one day when we really need to deal with a problem that's much bigger
than petty things, we won't make it through!
Can you give me any suggestions? I try to apply
our Marriage Preparation arguing technique by not placing blame and
only pointing out how I'm feeling about a situation. It doesn't seem
to work, he always feels someone is right and the other is wrong.
ANSWER: Your husband's over riding shame
about needing outside help is understandable if he came from a family
where perfectionism ruled. It is also ingrained in our culture that
to be a "man" is to be in control and autonomous; to not need directions!
But his manner of negotiating with you is taking a negative toll on
the marital relationship. Clearly he could benefit from seeing things
more objectively. His adherence to being "right" in an argument leaves
little room for individual differences and will cost him your affection.
Intimacy diminishes in the wake of coercion.
Be clear with your husband that you will listen to
him and discuss matters as they come up, but you will not respond
to "guilt tripping". Anything he agrees to do in the past for you
is a done deal. He may be over accommodating you until he cannot tolerate
it anymore, and then expects this to justify getting what he wants
later. This may have worked in his family as a form of negotiation,
but it simply does not work with you.
Part of forging a strong couples' bond is creating
patterns of interactions and processes that you can both agree to
and abide by. You must create together your own "culture" based on
what is acceptable for the two of you. Start by reviewing the ways
negotiations took place in your childhood. Did people speak directly
to each other? Did they talk things through, or did one person dominate
in getting their way? In other words, was negotiation achieved through
relating or through controlling others (or manipulating) in order
to get what was wanted. "Guilt tripping" is a manipulation.
Family relationships fare better when members achieve
resolution to problems by relating to one another. When control or
manipulation become the key to resolving conflict, intimacy suffers.
It is difficult to feel affectionate to someone you feel guilty towards.
And guilt breeds resentment.
Let your husband know that the manner in which the
two of you are negotiating is eroding the very love your relationship
is based upon. And let him know you are also interested in his feedback
about the way you may be contributing to the problem. Ask him to tell
you if there is any way in which you intimidate him in the moment
when he does agree to something. Is there anything he can identify
that you might be doing that encourages him to capitulate to your
wishes in the moment, only to later use his cooperation as a weapon
against you?
There likely may be some way he feels "guilt tripped"
by you. Explore this. Can he say "no" to you when he needs to do so?
If not, why not? It is important to keep an open mind to what his
experience of you is in this process. Reflect on whether you put pressure
on him in the moment to defer to your wishes. And be open to the strange
way it will feel if your husband begins to express himself more directly,
as you are requesting. You will both win if you are able to identify
what each of you contributes to the problem, and what each of you
can do to take individual responsibility for creating a "level" playing
field.
If you feel it is important to the marriage, tell
your husband that you are going to make an appointment with a marriage
counselor and that you would like his input into choosing someone.
Let him know that you consider your marriage to be in serious trouble.
If necessary make the appointment and invite him to it. Make it at
a time you believe he can make and tell him that you expect him to
come for the sake of the marriage. Remember that it takes two people
to make a workable marriage, but only one to initiate a divorce.
