QUESTION: Do you think it's possible
to know right from the start if the person you are dating is the one?
Here's my story. About two years ago, "Rob" and I were working for
the same company and a couple of girls told me that he had been asking
about me. I thought he was very cute, but I was in a committed relationship
so it didn't go any further. As it turned out, I broke up with my
boyfriend several months later, but Rob had already left the company.
Two months ago I ran into Rob at a 7-Eleven.
We've been dating ever since, and we are head over heels in love.
He treats me like a queen! I have more in common with him than with
anyone else I've ever met. We think alike, have the same sense of
humor, and share similar morals and values.
I'm 28 and have never been engaged or married,
although I've had a couple of long-term relationships (two and a half
years and two years). I never thought that I would meet someone and
almost immediately know that he was the one, but everything seems
to be right. The only doubt I have is that it still seems too early
to know for sure. But my gut is telling me that with Rob, "What you
see is what you get."
Rob has already told me that he wants to spend
the rest of his life with me. He's said that he's going to ask me
a lot sooner that I expect. How soon is too soon? Am I crazy, or is
it possible to immediately know when you've met the person you're
going to marry?
ANSWER: Clearly you have been around
the block once or twice! You are not new to dating, and you have established
your ability to maintain commitment in two previous long-term relationships.
Why shouldn't you trust yourself on this one?
Important decisions are always informed by our gut
responses. Certainly, if you had not had previous experience with
relationships, it would be less likely that your gut was informing
you correctly! But in this case, your instincts are likely to be a
reflection of the depth of your life experience. What you like and
don't like in a man is more apparent to you by this age, and you are
probably ready to settle down. The combination of these two ingredients
can naturally accelerate a relationship.
You are right to consider whether Rob is who he appears
to be. Getting to know his friends and family will help you answer
this question. There is no short cut to intimacy; you must spend time
with someone in order to learn how the two of you will fare together.
While it is important to share things in common and have good times
together, one key to a successful marriage is the ability to negotiate
differences and resolve conflicts when they occur.
To be more certain that your boyfriend is the one,
it would be good to see what he is like under pressure -- and, more
to the point, how the two of you react when a disagreement comes up.
Experiencing one another under stress will help determine if you have
what it takes to make a team.
You may also benefit from determining similarities
and differences in your respective family backgrounds. Get to know
his "down" sides, and be open in letting him know your weaknesses.
The greater your honesty, the greater the chance that you will be
able to grow through the hard times as well as the sunny periods of
your life together.
Given that you do not have a pattern of falling rapidly
in and out of love, two months is a significant amount of time to
continue feeling positive about this man. And it is potentially a
good sign that you both feel very strongly about the relationship.
A healthy relationship is based on give and take. And so far, the
good news is that your boyfriend reciprocates your good feelings!
