QUESTION: We are raising our teenage granddaughter,
who lost her parents when she was six years old. She has always been
easy to raise, and we have a very close, loving relationship. But
lately I am having difficulty getting her to be organized. She is
continually late to her soccer practice, so I am forced to drop everything
and drive her at the last minute. She is always getting homework done
at the eleventh hour, or sending me scrambling to find her uniform
before a big game. Isn't she old enough to know better? It is driving
me crazy! Any suggestions?
ANSWER: For whatever reasons, your grandchild
has not developed the organizational habits that she needs to handle
the complexity and responsibility of her present life activities.
Either she must simplify her life so that she can handle the commitments
she has, or she must learn new skills for prioritizing and getting
things in order so that she can function more independently in her
daily life.
Consider whether you are overcompensating for your
granddaughter. In other words, is the fact that you help her out of
these last-minute dilemmas a part of the problem? Rescuing her from
the consequences of her actions (or inactions) may promote her irresponsibility.
It appears that she does not experience the natural consequences of
what will happen if she does not put her uniform in a place she can
find later, or if she turns in her homework late, or if she misses
half of her soccer practice. Instead, you find yourself scrambling
to save her from the outcome of her disorganization. Some children
need to experience limits, and disappointments, before they adapt.
Perhaps this is true for your granddaughter.
While organization may come easily to you, your grandchild
may be of a very different temperament. She may need to have you sit
down and teach her how to organize her homework, or how to make up
a timeline for finishing assignments on schedule. Do not fail to give
her the support she needs, even if she protests. Insist kindly, but
firmly, on specific purchases -- such as a calendar or daytimer scheduling
book and a school binder with subject dividers for separating class
assignments.
Follow up by establishing regular "organization" meetings
to help her learn and internalize these skills. Do not expect her
to be able to take on these responsibilities without guidance from
you. After all, if you have been willing to do things for her at the
last minute, she hasn't had to learn how to manage for herself. And
so she may truly be behind in this area of her development. Do not
berate her. Instead, teach her the organizational skills she is lacking.
Make the effort to help her identify potential problems in advance,
but steer clear of any last-minute "rescues."
Be thorough and patient in your help. Do not criticize,
but give suggestions for using a calendar and making a schedule she
can follow, based on the course outlines provided by her teachers.
Ask her what she thinks is a good place to put her soccer uniform,
so it will be available to her when she needs it. Include her soccer
practices and games in her written schedule. And brainstorm with her
the time she will need to leave the house or school in order to get
to practice on her own. Have her write it in her daytimer!
Anticipate that she will have some failures as she
learns the consequences, and refrain from overreacting. Be prepared
to act neutrally and not intervene when she fails to stick to her
schedule (unless the consequences involve danger, of course!). When
she fails to carry out her plans, remain calm. Simply reflect to her
that you know she will be able to get to practice on time if she follows
her schedule. If she complains, simply state that the consequence
of losing track of time is that she will miss practice. Suggest she
wear her watch in the future. The key to your grandchild's success
is helping her learn to anticipate her own needs in very concrete
terms.
Be aware that it may be difficult for you, too, to
make the adjustments necessary in raising an adolescent. This period
calls for a change in your approach. Your granddaughter is a teenager.
She is neither an adult nor a child. View her as a beginning adult
who must still learn from you in order to make the transition to the
grownup world. She still needs your guidance. But it is time to teach
her to fish, rather than cook her fish for her dinner. Take the lead
in guiding her, and she will likely follow.
Remember also that it can sometimes be difficult for
a grandparent to play the role of disciplinarian in a grandchild's
life. It is possible that by rescuing her, you are attempting to "make
up" for the absence of her own parents. The task of adolescence will
be for her to understand the pieces of her past, including her loss,
as she establishes a solid sense of who she is in the world. You can
help her by being emotionally available to her through her teen years,
without stopping short of teaching her the discipline she needs to
succeed as an adult.
