QUESTION: My husband and I have been
married two years, and we have a beautiful 17-month-old daughter. We
moved to a new city recently, and I began a challenging new job. Also,
three months ago my father died after a brief illness. My husband stays
home to take care of our daughter and I know misses his friends. He
now feels that I have been emotionally and physically distant from him.
I think he is being unrealistic in his expectations. Am I at fault for
neglecting him?
ANSWER: Family researchers describe
healthy family process as consisting of two dimensions. One is the ability
to handle the affective (feelings) part of life in the family. And the
other is the capacity for the operative (problem-solving) dimension
to run smoothly in the family. It appears that -- with all of the life
changes the two of you have negotiated in the last few months -- the
operational level of your family's functioning is going well. Moving
and holding down a new job have been achieved. Now is the time for dealing
with the emotional repercussions of all that has gone on in your family,
and perhaps your husband is expressing this aspect of adjustment.
Your family has been through three major changes
in the last three months. No wonder you are struggling. Your feelings
for your daughter, your husband and your ability to share feelings
with one another will lay the groundwork for deeper bonding around
these significant life events.
The sense of emotional and physical distance your
husband is expressing is a good beginning to establishing more closeness.
Expressing his needs, as well as expressing your beliefs and feelings
about his expectations, will open up room for processing the emotional
sphere of your life together. An increased capacity for discussing
feelings will benefit any adjustment to change, and it will also offer
the potential for new ideas or possible solutions not thought of prior
to emotional expression and sharing.
Continue talking together. Point out your very astute
observations about his experience of losing his friends, the need
to make new ones and the effect of this loss on his current experience.
Perhaps he needs to depend on you more right now, as his best friend,
but will be able to accept the fact that his needs will also be augmented
with outside friendships, which will happen over time. Your own loss
of your father may also be influencing the relationship. It is not
uncommon for a spouse to feel preoccupied with the loss of a parent.
Such preoccupation with loss may decrease the emotional energy available
in the relationship.
The loss of your father and the loss of friends and
familiar surroundings are the emotional tasks facing your family right
now. Perhaps there are mourning rituals the two of you could share
that would bring you closer through this period of transition and
strengthen your capacity for addressing the emotional dimension of
family life.
It sounds like the two of you are doing a great job!
Perhaps the knowledge that what you are going through is part of the
normal growing pains of family development will help ease you through
this time. You are doing the work of building skills necessary for
increasing your capacity to handle future change with less distress.
Like hoeing the garden, the work is hard and intense, but when the
seasons evolve, you will enjoy your harvest!
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