QUESTION: I am a 37 year widower with two
young kids. My wife was diagnosed with nueroblastoma almost three years
ago and died within three months. The kids were so devastated that I
spent much of my time and focus on them. I'm incredibly lonely, and
I because of this I feel like a complete traitor to my wife. I've tried
having coffee with a woman I like, but I shut down as soon as the conversation
got too "close." I also find myself feeling angry when I look at my
wife's picture. I can't believe I would be mad at her for getting sick.
I don't know how to move on!
ANSWER: Your wife's death has precipitated not only the loss
of your life's partner, but a dramatic alteration in your lifestyle.
Your path to recovery has included experiences you had not bargained
for. Becoming a single father to two very young children and managing
your own and your children's grief has been an enormous challenge. Anger
is often a stage that follows sadness in the grieving process. It is
not surprising that these feelings would arise as you are beginning
to date.
Acknowledge, but do not judge your feelings. It is
natural to experience feelings of abandonment which can trigger both
anger and sadness when a spouse dies. Though you know it was not your
wife's "fault", you are still left alone with the family you began
together.
Mourning and sadness allows us to gradually let go,
as to some extent we experience the person with us in some way. When
you begin to date, you are beginning to move on towards the possibility
of a new family constellation, a new possibility for partnership.
This is an experience of greater separation, as you know your wife
will never share in this new situation. And, though you are not "replacing"
her as the unique person she was in your life, you are considering
filling the space she has left with another. This does not make you
a traitor.
Anger is an emotion which is sometimes helpful in
separating. Perhaps there are things that were left unsaid between
you. Certainly there was much that was unfinished. Reflect on what
words you would give your anger if you could speak to your wife now.
Perhaps you could write a letter to her to express these feelings
that are "unpopular" with you.
Reflect on whether you think your wife's "greater
spirit" (if it exists for you in some way) would want you to be happy.
Would she want you to move forward, understand your anger and accept
it as natural and necessary to your transition towards another relationship?
Feelings are not logical. You may be angry at her
for "leaving" you and need to express this in order to move forward.
If these feelings continue to be uncomfortable for you, consider consulting
with a counselor individually who will help you acknowledge and work
through your anger and your guilt. The "acceptance" stage of grief
includes coming to terms with feelings that do not always "make sense".
It is your job to take care of yourself and your
future. It is often the case that unexpected and untimely loss as
the one you and your children have experienced requires a greater
time period for adjustment. You have been deeply hurt by your wife's
departure. Intense sorrow and deep anger may also be a part of the
process of opening up to new love again. There are no "rules" for
when you should feel "past all this stuff". The "acceptance" stage
includes you and your needs, too!
Allowing yourself to love again means you are vulnerable
to loss once more. But it also makes you eligible for future happiness!
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