Miscarriage: Should
you wait to conceive?
QUESTION: I had a miscarriage less than
two months ago. I am still feeling incredibly sad and want to get
pregnant as soon as possible to help take away the pain. Though
my doctor has given the go-ahead, I'm wondering if it's a smart
decision, from an emotional standpoint, to conceive shortly after
a miscarriage.
ANSWER: Taking time to heal emotionally,
as well as physically, after a miscarriage is a wise choice. Hormonal
balance may be affected by your emotions, and waiting until you
have recovered may also help you approach your next pregnancy with
less anxiety.
Mourning for a miscarriage presents a unique challenge
because others do not always fully understand the profoundness of
your loss. Parents, especially mothers who miscarry, experience
significant loss of the promise for what was to come. It is particularly
difficult to grieve what is not yet here. But this is exactly what
parents face, after miscarriage.
It is natural for you to experience a desire to
replace what has been lost, but this expectation may prove false.
Many women experience grief for a pregnancy loss, even after they
have had a subsequent child. Perhaps allowing this pregnancy to
be special involves grieving and letting go, before welcoming another.
Consider allowing your body to become familiar with your cycle again.
Like seasons turning, there is healing that comes with time.
Consider the following suggestions
to help your through this healing period:
- Engage in an activity that soothes body and
mind. Yoga or some other form of mind-body exercise can calm
your spirit and support your body's recovery. Use your breath to
reach places that need healing and release emotions, while doing
something good for yourself.
- Visualize healing. Breath into your womb
and visualize the inside cells of your womb healing, oxygen flowing
into the tissues...go to the place where you held your child, and
say "goodbye," if you wish. See the tissue healing, turning pink,
soft and healthy. Eventually visualize your womb readying itself
for another pregnancy. But only after several times of visualization,
and when you feel ready to do so.
- Talk with your partner. Some couples find
a hidden treasure as they move through their grief together. A gift
of discovering each other on a deeper level, more readiness for
the responsibility of parenthood, or some other value to their shared
journey may offer a silver lining and a deepening of the maturity
so important in becoming parents together. Seek soothing from your
partner by talking, crying together and creating a ritual to honor
the passing away of your first pregnancy. Let go of the dream that
was, as a part of the process of making room for the dreams to come.
- Consider counseling. Consult with a counselor
with expertise in pregnancy and birth to talk and explore further,
if necessary. Address anything this loss might have surfaced for
you or ways it may have negatively impacted your relationship with
your partner.
- Assure yourself that you will conceive again.
Ease your pain and share concerns by talking with other moms who
have experienced a similar loss.
- Listen to your intuition. It is likely that
there is something to be learned by taking your time to heal.
Gayle Peterson, MSSW, LCSW, PhD is a family therapist specializing in prenatal and family development. She trains professionals in her prenatal counseling model and is the author of An Easier Childbirth, Birthing Normally and her latest book, Making Healthy Families. Her articles on family relationships appear in professional journals and she is an oft-quoted expert in popular magazines such as Woman's Day, Mothering and Parenting. . She also serves on the advisory board for Fit Pregnancy Magazine.
Dr. Gayle Peterson has written family columns for ParentsPlace.com, igrandparents.com, the Bay Area's Parents Press newspaper and the Sierra Foothill's Family Post. She has also hosted a live radio show, "Ask Dr. Gayle" on www.ivillage.com, answering questions on family relationships and parenting. Dr. Peterson has appeared on numerous radio and television interviews including Canadian broadcast as a family and communications expert in the twelve part documentary "Baby's Best Chance". She is former clinical director of the Holistic Health Program at John F. Kennedy University in Northern California and adjunct faculty at the California Institute for Integral Studies in San Francisco. A national public speaker on women's issues and family development, Gayle Peterson practices psychotherapy in Oakland, California and Nevada City, California. She also offers an online certification training program in Prenatal Counseling and Birth Hypnosis. Gayle and is a wife, mother of two adult children and a proud grandmother of three lively boys and one sparkling granddaughter.
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