How To Use "I" Statements
By Gayle Peterson, Ph.D.
Copyright 1996-2003. Gayle Peterson All rights reserved.
Daily practice
Set aside some time each evening to begin increasing
your listening skills with this exercise. You can take turns or alternate
days of being the listener with your partner if you like, so the exercise
is easy to do. Even if you think you are too tired, you may find that
receiving empathy can be rejuvenating. And being able to connect as
the listener may give you a feeling of accomplishment and maturity
which deepens your appreciation of not only your partner, but yourself!
Speaker: I feel __________ when you
_________ and I imagine ________.
Listener: Reflects back what you
heard your partner say
Speaker: Tell him/her if they "got
it". If they missed a piece, repeat the above statement and try
again, until you feel heard.
You will both feel successful when understanding has
been achieved. There is no other goal but successful understanding
of the speaker's experience. Do not proceed to change roles until
understanding has been accomplished.
"I" statement exercise: goals and trouble-shooting!
Listener: Remember the goal as "listener"
is to truly understand (not necessarily agree). Do not get into a
discussion about your viewpoint during this exercise! This will likely
cause you to undermine your ability to simply reflect and understand
your partner. Just see if you can accurately reflect your partner's
experience. If you succeed in doing so, you have created an empathic
connection!
Speaker: Remember the goal as "speaker"
is to communicate your experience, not present fact or lay blame!
Do not attack. This can happen if you slip in a "you" in
the first blank. For example, "I feel like you always ..."
or I feel that you are ..,." represent common mistakes made when
first doing this exercise. Be aware that you are to put words to a
feeling that is your own ("I feel angry, hurt, belittled when
..." not, "I feel that you are angry, mean, nasty to me
when you ..."). You will sabotage your opportunity to be "heard"
if you express your feeling as a statement of blame or complaint against
your partner!
Be direct and clear in your communication. Use the
"I" statement exactly as it is presented without distortion.
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to: Conflict Resolution
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